Tuesday, October 19, 2010

It's a date

November 4th

That is my tentative scheduled transplant date.

Yesterday my dad got a call to say that his last test that he redid came back completely normal and the doctor said he would talk with the transplant doctor one more time and then the case would be sent to the committee for review.

Today during my dialysis appointment, I got a call to say that the doctors had talked, my dad cleared all the donor testing, my case had gone before the committee, and the scheduled date for surgery was November 4th.

The timing for the news really wasn't the best, I would have liked to have been home so I could lock myself up alone in my room and taken the time to process everything but, as it was, my nurses and doctor got to hear the news the same time I did (my mom took the call and told me) and, of course, they were all thrilled while I sort of just sat there in shock trying to comprehend what I had just heard. Then I felt like I had to act all excited and try to smile because I kept getting asked "Are you excited?! Isn't that great news!? Are you excited!?"

Truth is, no, I'm not excited. Not yet. I will be, I'm sure, later. But now, I'm just trying to take in the fact that this is finally happening. I was just resigning myself to the fact that this was probably not going to happen and I really didn't think my dad was going to clear and if he didn't, then I wasn't going to let anyone else get tested because I didn't feel I had the emotional energy to handle the stress of another living donor process. I was about to switch to a different type of dialysis which would have been easier on me tomorrow but now there's no point to try and change my routine when I've only got  about three weeks to get used to it before I stop dialysis altogether.

A huge part of me is in disbelief. I have an attitude of "I'll believe it when it happens." I don't let my hopes get up very much anymore because the lower my hopes are to begin with, the less they fall and crash when things don't work out the way I hoped for, if that makes any sense at all. I've dealt with a lot of disappointment in my life and I'm not a very optimistic person. I can fool people into thinking I am, but in all actuality, I have a very bleak outlook on life most of the time and I can be very cynical and suspicious... especially with things like this. If I'm not excited, it's for that reason.

I'm also not excited because I'm scared about the surgery... not for me. I can handle surgery, I actually like anesthesia (probably a lot more than I should) and pain pills are very effective. I'm worried about my dad. This isn't just me, anymore. Another person is involved. A person I care about and love very much. And if something were to happen to him because of this surgery... words can't even describe how upset I would be.

I'm sure I'll be excited about this later. I'll definitely be excited about it when it happens and I feel better. But right now... the word that comes to mind is shock. I'm pretty shocked about the whole thing. And I'm stressed about it. I've been stressing about it since I went into failure in April and I'll probably be stressing about right up until they knock me out with anesthesia. You can quote verses to me about trusting in God and not being anxious about anything but I already know them all. I do trust God, even with my pessimistic, cynical attitude about life, I just don't necessarily agree with Him and that's what stresses me. We aren't exactly on the same page about how my life should turn out and, I realize, I'm not God and I don't get to choose that. But that doesn't help my emotions any and my emotions have been going haywire since April and they aren't showing any signs of changing.

However, I'm not letting myself get sidetracked in the battle against my emotions. They'll change when they "feel" like changing and I'm not going to try and force them to change. It's a losing battle anyway. What I do have control over is my behavior, my response, to these circumstances. If you see a smile on my face, it's because I'm really good at smiling and being polite when I'd rather scream or yell if I hear the word "kidney" one more time.

So, obvious prayer requests would be that the date will stand (or get moved up sooner) and me and my dad will both be physically prepared for the surgery. Some of my levels were off today so I need to be more careful what I eat (and I need to eat more, I'm not doing so well at that lately) and I need to keep myself free from infection of any kind. I think I'm coming down with a cold so please pray that it would not develop into anything more and just go away whatever it is that's making my nose stuffy and my throat scratchy.

November 4th... at least I have something to look forward to.

1 comment:

  1. Praise the Lord, that's wonderful! I'll be excited for you. (((HUGS))) Will continue to pray without ceasing for both you and your dad as well as your mom to get you all through this.