Thursday, February 24, 2011


I went to the doctor's last Monday and wanted you all to know that, for the first time in forever, all of my levels were.... normal. Nothing was too high, nothing was too low, everything was great.

I just wish I felt "normal" and could say I was better now than I was last year.

I'm still on blood-thinner shots and there's no telling when the docs are gonna let me stop those. I'm still on lots of medication and still dealing with the not-so-pleasant side effects from those. I'm not sleeping well at all and that really affects how well I feel going out when I have to and whether or not I will go out when I have the choice. Physical therapy is going really well, haven't noticed that much of a difference really but I do enjoy exercising, even though I'm the only young adult surrounded by elderly people.

And once again, I don't want to post about this because I really hate talking about my kidney and/or health in general. You'd think, knowing how much I like being the center of attention, that I wouldn't mind writing about myself and telling people about me but when it comes to this, I'd rather nobody know.

I hope, someday, I'll be able to start posting about "normal" things here and learn how to have conversations with others that didn't revolve around my health. I hope I'll be well enough to go to church regularly again, get my driver's license, start a job, maybe start college all over... Now that would be something I'd enjoy writing and talking about.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

I just don't want to.

I really don't want to blog right now. I don't want to write about my kidney again and tell y'all it's working great, my levels are the best they've ever been, the scar is 6-7 inches long down the right side of my stomach and the kidney bulges out of my stomach because my dad's kidney is big inside of a very tiny me. I don't want to tell you that.

I don't want to write about how discouraged I've been lately because of not being as well as I wish I was (or how I was repeatedly told I would be), that I have been having an awful time trying to sleep because my surgeon took me off of Ambien and I have next to no energy to go out anywhere, especially in the mornings like church and going out anywhere completely wears me out but still not enough to sleep soundly at night. I don't want to tell you that.

I don't want to write about how some of my anti-rejections meds have caused sores to develop in my mouth and they've been so painful it's torture to brush and floss my teeth. I've got an oral rinse waiting for pick-up at the pharmacy that should help but until they heal up I get to feel like someone punched me in the mouth a couple of times. I don't want to tell you about that either.

And I especially don't want to tell you that sometimes I don't want God to use me to encourage others (like yourself) when it's at the expense of my own comfort and how my relationship with God is in the "recovery" stage along with everything else in my life is right now. I really don't want to tell you that.

Oh, and I don't even really want to tell you about how I had an evaluation for physical therapy today even though I am looking forward to it, I just wish I didn't have to have physical therapy and was already strong and healthy and well without having to fight so hard for every millimeter of it.

So there you have it. I don't want to ask for prayers because (just right now, it will probably change in five minutes) I don't feel like they'd do any good (even though I know that's false. Key word there is *feel*) and I don't want to thank all of you for still being my friends and still doing the best you can to encourage me and help me and my family through this extremely difficult time in our life because I wish I wasn't in an extremely difficult time. But I am. And I do thank you. 

And if you want something worth reading, I highly recommend this post. It was encouraging to me and I hope it's encouraging to you.