I'm in one of my "moods" again... What "mood" you may ask? The one where I hate every thing and everybody, noisy little brothers seem even louder and more obnoxious than ever, I'm either too hot or too cold, my hair looks ugly, I'm angry for no reason in particular, I feel like crying, screaming, sleeping and punching the wall all at the same time, I'm bored out of my skull, my toe-nail polish is chipped and the world is falling apart. Yes... that mood.
And because I've been in "that mood" for the last few days, I haven't posted anything because I simply didn't want to and also because I didn't have anything really relevant to this blog to post about. No updates, no news, no nothing... And because my mom decided to read Hind's Feet on High Places too, I haven't been reading it as much as I normally would have (that, and the fact that it's actually a REAL book and not the text on my iPod that's easier to read from when I'm laying in bed versus trying to hold a real book sideways...)
So... all that to say, since I'm not in "that mood" right now, and I don't hate everybody and everything, and I've got the house to myself which means the house is quiet for once, and I was able to read some of Hind's Feet I've decided that now is a perfect time to post on my blog because I don't know when I'm going to be in "that mood" again.
And just in case you're wondering... no, I am not using "that mood" as an excuse to be mean or cranky, and no, I don't intentionally decide to be in "that mood" it just sort of happens and I've long since decided that I'm not going to get distracted from the real fight by trying to battle my emotions that change in the blink of an eye from one to the other when I can just let the emotions happen and choose instead to control my behaviors and attitudes in spite of what the emotions are at the time.
Also, as I side note, if I ever do happen to post on here when I'm in on my "moods" don't be alarmed by what I say and don't take it literally. At the time, I may think that the world is falling apart, and I'll never get better and life couldn't be worse.... but it passes and I'll get over it, eventually. This mood, like all my moods, eventually changes to something else but for some reason I just don't ever seem to remember that fact when I'm despairing of something.
And now... to my thoughts on Hind's Feet...
I started with the Preface and was struck with this paragraph (actually, I was struck by the entire preface but particularly this paragraph.)
"But the High Places of victory and union with Christ cannot be reached by any mental reckoning of self to be dead to sin, or by seeking to devise some way or discipline by which the will can be crucified. The only way is by learning to accept, day by day, the actual conditions and tests permitted by God, by a continually repeated laying down of our own will and acceptance of his as it is presented to us in the form of the people with whom we have to live and work, and in the things which happen to us Every acceptance of his will becomes an altar or sacrifice, and every such surrender and abandonment of ourselves to his will is a means of furthering us on the way to the High Places to which he desired to bring every child of his while they are still living on earth."
- Hind's Feet on High Places, Hannah Hurnard, pg ix
It's the marathon versus the sprint. I am a sprinter. Not literally, but figuratively, in the way that I live. I like to go to conferences or schools or camps and give it everything I've got. Run full speed and hit it hard and fast. When the week is over that's when I go home to crash and recover. I like to play hard and win. I like to live hard... and win. But that doesn't work when you have a chronic illness.
When you have a chronic illness, every little thing in your day requires energy and is exhausting. Some of you probably don't even think twice about taking a shower because it's easy for you to just hop in, get clean, jump back out and go about your day. Not so for me, or anyone else with limited energy.
That's where the marathon comes in... For the rest of my life, my kidney disease is going to dictate certain choices and decisions I make. I have to pace myself, hold back, refrain from playing another round of ultimate frisbee or volleyball, and make sure to take my medicine every day. I keep holding out for that day when I'll feel better but I don't know when that's going to be and if/when it happens, how long it's going to last before I'll be running another marathon.
I started out this trial like a sprinter, like I do most everything, not realizing that it was meant to be a marathon. Lately, I've been burning out. I get thrown into one of my "moods" want to quit and give up and I hate everything until my attitude changes and then I get up and start sprinting again, only to burn out again. I want to get to the end as soon as I can, I want to rush through the laying down and surrendering rights and the sacrifices at the altar and just get to the end and enjoy the rewards. I want to skip the pain, skip the journey, skip the lessons and just be done with it. Basically, I'm trying to sprint in a marathon...
"But the High Places... cannot be reached by any mental reckoning of self to be dead to sin, or by seeking to devise some way by which the will can be crucified" and there is no short-cut to lesson the journey and by-pass the valleys altogether, either. "The only way is by learning to accept, day by day, the actual conditions and tests permitted by God, by a continually repeated laying down of our own will" and accepting His. "Every acceptance of His will becomes an altar of sacrifice."
It's a marathon, not a sprint... and I need to run like it's a marathon.
"Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easiliy beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us,"