Monday, July 23, 2012

A Letter To My Body

Ok, so I know this might look strange, but seriously, writing this was really, really, really hard. I was inspired by this post here (and you really should just stop right now and read this one first. It's jaw-droppingly real and honest and so so powerful) and I decided to do something similar. I was pretty surprised at my reaction. I teared up, I got angry, I had to stop a few times because facing this ugly side of myself was overwhelming. I felt some old wounds reopening and I started to question why I had even decided to do this but then, as I pushed through and kept writing, I began to see some healing. (And seriously, you should go read Lauren Nicole's before you start mine.)

Dear Body,

I need to tell you something. I know what you're probably thinking, that this is going to be another one of my rants against you like I usually do whenever we talk but that's not it. This time, I think you'll actually like what I'm going to say.

I actually have two things to tell you. 

I'm sorry and thank you.

I know. You're probably shocked. I've never told you I'm sorry or thank you before in the almost 21 and a half years that you've known me. Maybe you don't believe me but it's true. Things are going to be different between us now, I promise. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to realize how awful I've treated you but I've been brought face to face with my anger and hatred towards you, my selfishness, my ungratefulness for all you've done and the only thing I can do is to try and apologize.

There's so many ways I've wronged you that I'm not even sure where to start but here's my most earnest attempt at reconciling with you.

I am sorry for all the judgmental and critical looks I've given you in the mirror as I get ready for the day. 

I'm sorry for all the negative comments I've thrown at you, for the way that I constantly compare you to others and berate you for not looking more like them. 

I'm sorry for always wishing you looked like everybody else, even though everybody else doesn't look anything alike.

I'm sorry for not appreciating everything that you can do for me and cursing you for not being able to do more. 

I'm sorry for ignoring your pleas to stop and pushing you harder than you were able to go and then hating you for not being able to keep up.

I'm sorry for not treating you the way that you should have been treated, taking care of you instead of neglecting you.

I'm so terribly sorry for wanting to kill you with a handful of pills when you were fighting so hard just to stay alive when your kidneys failed.

You've never really asked for much, but I still complain that you need medication regularly even though you're doing all you can to stay well. I just hate trying to remember to take them every day and then I feel guilty when I don't remember. It's just hard sometimes, you know? Of course you know. I'm the one who doesn't get how hard it is for you to keep accepting a new organ that you weren't born with. 

I'm seeing now, that if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have been able to see God's power in my life. His strength being made perfect in my weakness. I wouldn't have experienced his love being poured out on me and through me to reach others in an awesome display of glory. 

So thank you. Thank you for being the way you are. Every tiny detail is perfect and I don't want to change anything about you now that I see you for what you really are. When I railed against you for not being what I wanted, it wasn't you that I was mad at, it was the one who made you. 

How could I have hated this gift of my body that was made so perfectly in the image of a loving God who only gives the best to his children? The fact that every little thing about you was so lovingly designed and hand-crafted with uniquenesses that aren't like anybody should thrill me, and I hope you know that it does. It does now. It's not easy sometimes, because I'm human and I want things that I don't have, but I promise that I'll work on being content with what I've been given and remember that there's a reason for everything.

When I look in the mirror, I promise that I will look at you in a whole new light, the way you were meant to be looked at. I will not start nit-picking at flaws, because you aren't flawed. I will love your little quirks and be glad that I have something that isn't like everybody else. I will love you the way that you are and stop wishing I could change you because that would mean changing the story that God meant for us to have and it's a beautiful story that doesn't need to be changed at all. 

Yours always,
Kristin Lanae


  1. I've read a few of these over the past few days. I have thought about writing one myself but haven't yet. Thanks for sharing. It means a lot.

    1. It's a little weird at first, because you're writing to yourself really, but you're separating your physical from your spiritual and so it's seems like it's not you.... It's strange. But it helped change my perspective a lot. I didn't realize how self-conscious I am and how super critical I am on myself just because I don't like how my body is. If you do decide to write one, please make sure to tag me in it. I love your writings :-)

  2. I think yours was WAY better than the one you linked to. Just sayin. Good thoughts. :)

    1. And of course, you're not biased at all, right mom? ;-) I love you <3