It's been a while since I've posted one here. Too long. And the worst part of it is... that I intentionally didn't post because I didn't want to.
Today I had a startling revelation about myself. I actually really knew about it all along but I justified it in some ways or rationalized it or lied to myself that I wasn't really THAT bad. But I came face to face with the problem today and saw myself for who I really am. And it's not pretty.
The truth is...... (I want to just keep adding dots to try and stall the inevitable ) ..... I'm selfish.
Gasp! Yes, I know, BIG revelation, you might be thinking. Everyone's selfish, we're all sinners in need of God's grace and nobody's perfect. If that's what you're thinking though, then maybe you need to come face to face with the actual problem because that's how I used to justify my selfishness by telling myself that I wasn't as bad as that person and everybody's like this.
That begs the argument, "If everybody was born with a desire to steal, does that make it ok?" But I only steal little things. I'm not like that person who steals cars or that person who steals large amounts of money. Besides, everybody does it and we're all sinners. God will forgive me, nobody's perfect.... blah, blah, blah.
God tells us not to. Period. So that means being selfish is bad. It doesn't matter if everybody is selfish, Christians aren't supposed to be like that so I'm wrong. I'm sinning. Ugh.
I just spent four days in the hospital because I got some kind of stomach bug and couldn't eat or drink so I went in to get an IV and have some tests done to make sure I don't have C-diff again (which I don't, thank God). I got out yesterday and the reason you didn't hear anything about it until now (unless you've been on Facebook which is where I did some mini-updates) is because I didn't want to write about it. That, and the reason I was practically drugged on nausea and pain medications and couldn't stay awake for more than five minutes at a time so I couldn't really blog.
I'm tired of dealing with kidney disease. I'm sick of spending time in the hospital. I hate that the past two years of my life feel like they've been a waste of time, broken dreams and a horrible, downward journey where everything was slowly stripped away from me and I was reduced to an invalid in bed. I'm wracked with guilt every time I see my mom sleeping on a cot next to my bed, knowing the rest of my family has to make due without her. I don't want to feel like it's my fault when my dad doesn't feel well. I hate the scars on my body, physical reminders of all the seemingly unnecessary pain. I'm haunted by awful hospital procedures that I wish had never had to happen. I don't want to go out because I don't want people to ask me how I'm doing and I don't want to talk about anything that has to do with kidney transplants. I get so annoyed at well meaning people "preaching" at me on my Facebook, telling me to think positive, quoting scripture and not understanding where I'm coming from and I get so much annoyed that I usually end up deleting that status because I don't want to see those comments anymore. I hate taking pills three times a day. I hate giving myself painful shots in the leg every night. I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate, I hate everything. I'm a hater.
I'm so focused on ME and everything that's happened to ME and how awful my life is for ME and how much I wish things were better for ME and it's all about ME all the time and you better not try and make ME think something different because then you just don't understand and you're just like "everybody else" and you say stupid stuff that offends ME and everybody should just cater to ME and take care of ME and even if I'm mean then you need to just suck it up and be glad you don't have to suffer like ME because everything about ME is just awful and you don't want to have a hard life like ME.
"ME" seriously needs to get something straight here and that is that *life is NOT about her*
Yes, life is hard. Yes, suffering is very real and nothing shakes me up harder than to hear of the awful things that have happened to people than to have awful things happen to me. But that doesn't change the fact that life is not about us. There's something so much bigger, so much greater, than our piddly little problems. True, they don't seem piddly at the time, but in the big picture, they are piddly.
And who am I, with everything that's happened to me, who am I to stand in the way of God's plan. As hard as it can be to trust and obey Him. As much as my jaw drops to the ground as I say "Seriously, God!? You're asking me to do what!?!? No way!" As awful as life can be sometimes, God still has a plan and He intends for good to come out of the evil and/or suffering that has happened to you.
And that's a promise. And promises from God aren't like promises from people. We can always trust that He will keep His promises.