While I'm waiting

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord

- John Waller



I was looking back over my blog posts and realized that I write a lot about waiting. And then I realized that I have had to spend a lot of my life waiting. In fact, I would describe this time in my life as a *waiting* period because there's nothing else I can really do except wait.

This song popped into my head and I wanted to post the lyrics. It's the song from the movie Fire Proof and it has such a powerful message to me, especially now, that I've always loved to listen to it.

Today was kind of hard for me. The last couple of days I've been having trouble sleeping, which is why, as you may have noticed, that the last couple of posts have been at all sorts of odd hours of the morning, like this one. When I have trouble sleeping, I have trouble waking up. And if I don't wake up in time to do my first dialysis exchange in the morning, it throws off my entire dialysis schedule. Plus, I'm exhausted by just waking up and getting out of bed so, obviously, I'm not doing much with my day except sleeping and eating. Lately, I've been so tired I haven't even wanted to take a shower because it feels like too much work for me.

This has been a sort of set-back for me because I was starting to feel better and things seemed like they were looking up. In a word... I'm overwhelmed. This entire transplant process has driven me up the wall with anxiety, the thoughts of what COULD happen, the questions of what I should do, trying to plan for different scenarios, etc. Dialysis is the biggest pain in the neck and I hate that I have to even mess with it in the first place. And then there are all the "life" questions that I have, should I try to re-enroll in college now or wait till after the transplant (whenever that will be), what can I do now while I'm sitting in my bed most of the day, can I start going back to church again or should I just stay home, etc.

Some of these questions, ok, well, actually MOST of these questions are based on fear. There's a reason God tells us in scripture to "FEAR NOT" because it's a very natural response to the circumstances and situations we'll have in our lives. So I'll admit it freely. I'm scared. Terrified, really. There are no certainties or guarantees that I have that the things in my life are going to turn out ok. Yes, I have a promise from God that says He will work everything together for good, but that doesn't say anything about me getting to see that good. Chances are, I'll probably never fully understand why I had to live through this nightmare until I get to Heaven and can ask God in person to show me the big picture and let me see for myself everything that He did through me that showed His power and glory to the world. I want to know why? I want to see the good that He promises so I know that my life wasn't wasted.

In the meantime, though, I wait. I don't have a choice NOT to wait, but I definitely have choice as to HOW I wait. And I will serve Him, while I wait. And I will worship Him, while I wait. Even though it's painful, even though it's scary, even though it's hard, I'll still wait.

What are you waiting for? How are you waiting?