Sunday, January 15, 2012

The wound still bleeds...

Not too long ago, I wrote this post here about how my wounds were healed. There's a picture of my scarred stomach, my battle wounds from the previous year of all the surgeries I had. Those wounds are healed and I can honestly say that I've never felt this healthy in my life. I'm definitely not in the best shape that I could be in, and I'll never be completely healthy (Immuno-suppressant drugs sorta make that impossible) but health-wise, I am doing amazingly well and words can't really express how grateful I am because for a while there I did not think I was ever going to be able to get out of bed again.

Physically, I'm well again. I'm all healed. My transplant kidney, Lefty, is working well and we're getting along great.

I thought I was doing that well emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well but this past week, God showed me that I still have a large, open wound that is still bleeding and still in need of healing.

Emotionally, I'm still shattered. I still shudder when I think of some of the procedures I went through, still cringe a little when I remember the pain. If I think about it hard enough, I'll still cry when I remember the huge disappointments I endured and the broken dreams I had wished so hard would come true.

Mentally, I'm still paralyzed with fear. Fear of getting sick again. Fear of hope, and dreams and plans for the future. Fear of disappointment. Fear of not being able to do it (whatever "it" is, I just want to be able to do it) Fear of trusting God.

Spiritually.... I have no idea. I know I have come along way from those dark days of illness and just wanting to die because I believed I had no future. But I also have a long way to go to get to where I need to be. Or maybe, I'm exactly where I should be. Perhaps God is big enough to handle my questions and my doubt and my fears. But more than likely, "they" are right and I should never question God, only trust and believe. If I just read my Bible more or I just prayed more or I just trusted more, than maybe I would understand more and be more grateful for what happened.

I'm told I have a great testimony of God's goodness and faithfulness and love. I'm told that what happened to me has been a huge blessing to a lot of people and that God answered their prayers. They tell me I encouraged them by the way I responded to this trial in my life.

But I wonder if they know how dark my thoughts went during that time? I wonder if they know how much I cursed God out because I was so angry at Him for what was happening? Do they know that I still struggle to this day with some of that same bitterness and anger that I had during that time? Do they know that I still look at that year as the worst year of my life and I feel such a deep sadness when I think about what could have been had I not gotten sick?

I felt like I watched the story of my life, a thick book full of 19 years worth of life experiences, goals, dreams, plans, a purpose and a passion for something great, thrown into a fire and burned to a crisp. And that burning was a painfully slow, agonizing burn that lasted for a year before there was nothing left but a pile of gray ashes.

I guess you could say that I moved on. I've picked myself back up and I started working, started saving, started trying to live a life of some sort. But I found myself looking at that pile of ash and wondering if there was anything worth saving. Anything worth going back for.

Maybe some day I'll be brave enough to look for the answers that I want.

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