Tomorrow I leave for Oklahoma City... TOMORROW!? Yes, tomorrow. I knew it was going to come up fast but it's still hard to believe that I only just heard about my transplant about 20 days ago... Some days just sort of felt like they were dragging by just to spite me. Some days it was like I blinked and they were gone. And now, it feels like I had just heard the news and now I'm leaving.
A part of me doesn't feel ready and the other part has been ready since April when I first knew I needed a transplant. One part of me wonders whether I can emotionally handle everything that could happen and the other part knows that God will give me the grace when I need it so I can handle anything that comes my way. One part of me wants to scream in terror and run away as fast as I can while the other part of me wants to scream and run TOWARDS this "monster" with my sword raised high, ready for battle. One part of me is majorly stressed out while the other part is extremely, unusually calm. Sometimes I want to cry, laugh, scream with fear, squeal with excitement, be angry, be happy, be sad, be joyful, be depressed or be encouraged.
Obviously, I'm having very mixed emotions about all this. I'm pretty sure that's normal (I hope it's normal!) so I'm not worried about it. I also wonder if it has anything to do with the fact that I'm a girl and can get very (no, VERY) caught up in my emotional roller-coaster at times. (But that is normal, for sure!)
It's weird to think that this will probably be my last blog post from home unless I post one up before I leave tomorrow but I was thinking of waiting until I got to wherever we are staying tomorrow night (Still not quite sure on that) and that way I could write more about the trip and everything since I'll have actually experienced it.
So, here's to a whole new adventure that's starting tomorrow. Tomorrow... I need to finish packing!
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Birthdays, packing, cleaning and panicking!
The title says it all...
Yesterday, my favorite sister in the whole world turned 18 yesterday and got her driver's permit. She's pretty much awesome and the best little sister ever. She's also incredibly beautiful (No, seriously... the girl is drop-dead gorgeous) and everyone loves her because she's so sweet and nice and funny. (If you ever want a laugh, watch her play that "ninja" game... she's hysterical!) We had a great time celebrating her birthday and, instead of a cake, we had cream puffs. It was quite an amazing feat to get all 18 candles into one cream puff but she did it (and almost caught herself on fire because the flame was so big!) and she loved the necklace I bought her. She's actually wearing it right now. :-D
And because my sister is so amazing, she's helping me pack. Actually... she's doing most of the packing because she's also trying to clean the room and getting my stuff out of the way helps her clean better so she's a lot more motivated than I am. :-/ I usually don't pack until the day before I leave so I wasn't going to start until tomorrow but my sister likes to pack days before so that's another reason why she got started now.
I'll be leaving Monday afternoon and I'm not exactly sure where me and my parents are staying before the surgery but I guess my parents know and I'll just go along for the ride... On Tuesday, my dad has his pre-surgery appointment and I have mine on Wednesday. Then I'll be back at the hospital on Thursday, bright and early at 6:00 AM (which means I've got to get up even earlier! Gah!) and the surgery will happen sometime after that and... beyond that, I don't know what else is gonna happen.
I'm actually not really THAT panicked... just a little. I think it's more just the whole stress-from-not-knowing-what-will-happen kind of thing. Not much I can do about that but it's not as bad as it could be so I'm just "hanging in" until something happens... and that "something" is gonna happen in only 5 more days! I can use one hand to count how many days I have left now. :-)
Yesterday, my favorite sister in the whole world turned 18 yesterday and got her driver's permit. She's pretty much awesome and the best little sister ever. She's also incredibly beautiful (No, seriously... the girl is drop-dead gorgeous) and everyone loves her because she's so sweet and nice and funny. (If you ever want a laugh, watch her play that "ninja" game... she's hysterical!) We had a great time celebrating her birthday and, instead of a cake, we had cream puffs. It was quite an amazing feat to get all 18 candles into one cream puff but she did it (and almost caught herself on fire because the flame was so big!) and she loved the necklace I bought her. She's actually wearing it right now. :-D
And because my sister is so amazing, she's helping me pack. Actually... she's doing most of the packing because she's also trying to clean the room and getting my stuff out of the way helps her clean better so she's a lot more motivated than I am. :-/ I usually don't pack until the day before I leave so I wasn't going to start until tomorrow but my sister likes to pack days before so that's another reason why she got started now.
I'll be leaving Monday afternoon and I'm not exactly sure where me and my parents are staying before the surgery but I guess my parents know and I'll just go along for the ride... On Tuesday, my dad has his pre-surgery appointment and I have mine on Wednesday. Then I'll be back at the hospital on Thursday, bright and early at 6:00 AM (which means I've got to get up even earlier! Gah!) and the surgery will happen sometime after that and... beyond that, I don't know what else is gonna happen.
I'm actually not really THAT panicked... just a little. I think it's more just the whole stress-from-not-knowing-what-will-happen kind of thing. Not much I can do about that but it's not as bad as it could be so I'm just "hanging in" until something happens... and that "something" is gonna happen in only 5 more days! I can use one hand to count how many days I have left now. :-)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
7 days left!
Exactly one week from today and I will get my new kidney. It's coming up fast, people! Sometimes it feels like too fast and then, at other times, it doesn't feel fast enough. Sometimes I wish I had more time to prepare, and then other times, I wish it had happened yesterday.
At this time next week I will already have gone through the surgery, woken up from the anesthesia, and (knowing me) will probably be watching TV in the ICU... a little (or a lot!) sore, more than likely, but feeling (I hope) very well, better than I've ever felt and getting better by the minute.
One of our case-workers (or a social worker, I'm not really sure.) called today to let us know that they have a spot reserved for us at the Ronald McDonald House near the hospital which will be where me and my mom are staying while I recover. My grandparents are going to take my dad back home as soon as he recovers and then he'll come back up for his two-week check-up to make sure he's doing fine but me and my mom will have to stay up there for at least a month, probably, because I'll be having check-ups and medication adjustments for a while afterwards.
I went to Walmart today (I know, I know, I'm not supposed to be out.) to get some necessities and some things to keep me busy... namely, a new pack of crochet hooks because I seem to have lost most of my other ones, and a skein of lovely, thick, purple yarn that I think would make a great knit scarf if I reteach myself how to knit again. Since I usually crochet I kinda sorta forgot how to knit and the scarf won't have the look I want if I crochet it. I decided that I could get a lot done since I'm not going to be able to do much else (not that I do much now...) and I can knit and crochet while watching TV and movies, which is probably what I'm going to be doing a lot of while I'm up there...
On a much happier note, I found my iTouch! I've decided that it's just a God-thing that I found it, and it's probably a God-thing that I lost it too, because I really don't know how it could have fallen out of my pocket and I have no idea how it ended up in the corner of my room by my dialysis chair, either. But, whatever, the point is, it was lost, and now it's found, and God let me find it before I went and spent almost $300 on a new one so I would have it when I was at the hospital. :-) And me and my mom had a great talk in the car about how God expects us to respond in situations like this and what having a grateful attitude really means... but that'll be for another post at another time. ;-)
7 days left!
At this time next week I will already have gone through the surgery, woken up from the anesthesia, and (knowing me) will probably be watching TV in the ICU... a little (or a lot!) sore, more than likely, but feeling (I hope) very well, better than I've ever felt and getting better by the minute.
One of our case-workers (or a social worker, I'm not really sure.) called today to let us know that they have a spot reserved for us at the Ronald McDonald House near the hospital which will be where me and my mom are staying while I recover. My grandparents are going to take my dad back home as soon as he recovers and then he'll come back up for his two-week check-up to make sure he's doing fine but me and my mom will have to stay up there for at least a month, probably, because I'll be having check-ups and medication adjustments for a while afterwards.
I went to Walmart today (I know, I know, I'm not supposed to be out.) to get some necessities and some things to keep me busy... namely, a new pack of crochet hooks because I seem to have lost most of my other ones, and a skein of lovely, thick, purple yarn that I think would make a great knit scarf if I reteach myself how to knit again. Since I usually crochet I kinda sorta forgot how to knit and the scarf won't have the look I want if I crochet it. I decided that I could get a lot done since I'm not going to be able to do much else (not that I do much now...) and I can knit and crochet while watching TV and movies, which is probably what I'm going to be doing a lot of while I'm up there...
On a much happier note, I found my iTouch! I've decided that it's just a God-thing that I found it, and it's probably a God-thing that I lost it too, because I really don't know how it could have fallen out of my pocket and I have no idea how it ended up in the corner of my room by my dialysis chair, either. But, whatever, the point is, it was lost, and now it's found, and God let me find it before I went and spent almost $300 on a new one so I would have it when I was at the hospital. :-) And me and my mom had a great talk in the car about how God expects us to respond in situations like this and what having a grateful attitude really means... but that'll be for another post at another time. ;-)
7 days left!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
When you're in the valley
The last two days I've been watching some videos from The Skit Guys, and I came across one they did that I found very relevant to what I sometimes write about on this blog.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWdQRf0qbZI
If you haven't seen it, go watch it, if you can, because I write about it in the following paragraphs and it might not make any sense unless you've seen it first.
It's called The Mourning Booth and it shows a man who is in a "valley" (spiritually speaking) coming into a restaurant and sitting in the booth. The narrator says that you're either "going into a valley, in the middle of a valley, or just coming out of a valley." The man meets with several different people in his booth who say or do all the wrong things for someone who is in the "valley." Things like trying to make the man laugh by telling jokes, or reading that "All things work together for good" from the Bible, or saying things like "it's time to get over it and move on."
Eventually, everyone leaves. They don't want to stay in the "valley" any longer than they have to. It's as if they're scared that if they spend too much time in the "valley" then they'll get stuck there or something. It seems like they do everything possible to get whoever it is in the "valley" out and if they can't, they leave. I don't think they mean to abandon their friend but sometimes that's what happens. They don't notice the deep, emotional pain that person is in and if they do, they don't know how to help, they feel awkward and uncomfortable, so they don't do anything, or they make it worse by asking insensitive, nosy questions or quipping platitudes and cliche's to try and make them feel better.
But watch what the waitress does at the end. She's pouring his coffee and glances over, seeing that he's in great, emotional distress. Instead of sitting opposite of him, she slides in next to him. He scootches over to give her more room and she silently sits next to him. Mourning with him, sharing in his grief, supporting him in the "valley." Chances are, she's in her own "valley" too, or she just got out of one and remembered what it felt like.
This past week, I have had friends that have said things to me like "How are you really doing? You don't have to smile if you don't want to. Please don't feel like you need to pretend around me. If you don't want to talk about that then just tell me and we'll talk about something else instead. I love you very much, my friend."
You wanna know what encourages me the most? That. It's as if you just sat down next to me in my Mourning Booth, slipped your arm in mine, and walked with me a few steps through my valley. I hope, I pray, I'm almost out of this valley but, chances are, I've got a bit more miles to walk before I'm through.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
What those other people were trying to do in the video clip... yeah, there's a time for that. Sometimes, watching a funny movie or telling a few jokes may be what somebody needs at that moment, taking them out shopping might be what helps get their mind off their troubles, taking time to remind them of the truths of God's word over a cup of coffee may give them encouragement and comfort, and, sometimes, telling them that they need to move on (lovingly, of course!) may be what they need to hear to help get them out of their depression and back into life again. Everybody is different, though, and the bottom line is that we weren't made to handle these valleys on our own. Be willing to come alongside someone and walk a while with them in their valley and maybe they'll be the ones to walk with you in your valley.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWdQRf0qbZI
If you haven't seen it, go watch it, if you can, because I write about it in the following paragraphs and it might not make any sense unless you've seen it first.
It's called The Mourning Booth and it shows a man who is in a "valley" (spiritually speaking) coming into a restaurant and sitting in the booth. The narrator says that you're either "going into a valley, in the middle of a valley, or just coming out of a valley." The man meets with several different people in his booth who say or do all the wrong things for someone who is in the "valley." Things like trying to make the man laugh by telling jokes, or reading that "All things work together for good" from the Bible, or saying things like "it's time to get over it and move on."
Eventually, everyone leaves. They don't want to stay in the "valley" any longer than they have to. It's as if they're scared that if they spend too much time in the "valley" then they'll get stuck there or something. It seems like they do everything possible to get whoever it is in the "valley" out and if they can't, they leave. I don't think they mean to abandon their friend but sometimes that's what happens. They don't notice the deep, emotional pain that person is in and if they do, they don't know how to help, they feel awkward and uncomfortable, so they don't do anything, or they make it worse by asking insensitive, nosy questions or quipping platitudes and cliche's to try and make them feel better.
But watch what the waitress does at the end. She's pouring his coffee and glances over, seeing that he's in great, emotional distress. Instead of sitting opposite of him, she slides in next to him. He scootches over to give her more room and she silently sits next to him. Mourning with him, sharing in his grief, supporting him in the "valley." Chances are, she's in her own "valley" too, or she just got out of one and remembered what it felt like.
This past week, I have had friends that have said things to me like "How are you really doing? You don't have to smile if you don't want to. Please don't feel like you need to pretend around me. If you don't want to talk about that then just tell me and we'll talk about something else instead. I love you very much, my friend."
You wanna know what encourages me the most? That. It's as if you just sat down next to me in my Mourning Booth, slipped your arm in mine, and walked with me a few steps through my valley. I hope, I pray, I'm almost out of this valley but, chances are, I've got a bit more miles to walk before I'm through.
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
What those other people were trying to do in the video clip... yeah, there's a time for that. Sometimes, watching a funny movie or telling a few jokes may be what somebody needs at that moment, taking them out shopping might be what helps get their mind off their troubles, taking time to remind them of the truths of God's word over a cup of coffee may give them encouragement and comfort, and, sometimes, telling them that they need to move on (lovingly, of course!) may be what they need to hear to help get them out of their depression and back into life again. Everybody is different, though, and the bottom line is that we weren't made to handle these valleys on our own. Be willing to come alongside someone and walk a while with them in their valley and maybe they'll be the ones to walk with you in your valley.
Monday, October 25, 2010
10 days left!
Approximately 10 days... 240 hours... 14,400 minutes... 864,000 seconds... until November 4th when I get my new kidney.
But who's counting! :-)
And this time next week, I will either be driving to or already in Oklahoma City. Me and my parents leave for OKC next Monday (Nov 1st) so that we will be up there in time for our pre-surgery appointment on the 2nd. Then I guess we'll just hang out all day on the 3rd before leaving at the crack of dawn on the 4th to go get checked in and await the surgery.
From what I hear, most of my family is going to try to be there. My grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, maybe some cousins... It will be almost like Christmas getting us all together in one place. I don't know how much we'll get to see of each other because after the surgery I'll be moved to Intensive Care for a few days and I don't think they let visitors in for very long but they'll be able to see my parents and my grandparents are going to take my dad home when he's discharged after two or three days.
My mom is reserving us a slot at either the Fisher House or the Ronald McDonald House so she has a place to stay while I'm in ICU and we'll both have a place to stay for the next month or so when I'm discharged but still needing tests, lab-work and medication changes done and I need to stay in the area. One of my friends is gonna bring me a lot of movies to watch so I can keep myself occupied while I'm recovering and I will be bringing my laptop so I can continue to blog. ;-)
10... more... days...
But who's counting! :-)
And this time next week, I will either be driving to or already in Oklahoma City. Me and my parents leave for OKC next Monday (Nov 1st) so that we will be up there in time for our pre-surgery appointment on the 2nd. Then I guess we'll just hang out all day on the 3rd before leaving at the crack of dawn on the 4th to go get checked in and await the surgery.
From what I hear, most of my family is going to try to be there. My grandparents, my aunts, my uncles, maybe some cousins... It will be almost like Christmas getting us all together in one place. I don't know how much we'll get to see of each other because after the surgery I'll be moved to Intensive Care for a few days and I don't think they let visitors in for very long but they'll be able to see my parents and my grandparents are going to take my dad home when he's discharged after two or three days.
My mom is reserving us a slot at either the Fisher House or the Ronald McDonald House so she has a place to stay while I'm in ICU and we'll both have a place to stay for the next month or so when I'm discharged but still needing tests, lab-work and medication changes done and I need to stay in the area. One of my friends is gonna bring me a lot of movies to watch so I can keep myself occupied while I'm recovering and I will be bringing my laptop so I can continue to blog. ;-)
10... more... days...
Friday, October 22, 2010
Second by second
Now that I'm supposed to stay home and keep myself well (as in, not any more sick than I already am) I want to go out. Before, when I should have been getting out more, I was cranky and I didn't want to go out anywhere, it was too hard to schedule dialysis around going out, and I was definitely being anti-social because people only wanted to talk to me about kidney-related things. I'm sure I frustrated my parents by being so stubborn and (basically) refusing to leave the comforts of my house and now... I'm going out because I want to be out.
Maybe someone should tell me I'm not allowed to eat and then I'll be so hungry I'll eat more... :-p
I promise, though, after the concert tonight, I'll stay home. Except for maybe church on Sundays, if I feel up to going.
In other news, plans are being made and things are actually happening. I don't feel like I'm sitting around waiting for nothing, anymore. I don't have to worry about my dad not clearing. I don't have to wonder what I'm going to do if this happens or that doesn't work out. My life no longer feels like it's drifting aimlessly out in the middle of nowhere. I have a goal, something I can visibly see, something tangible that I can move towards.
I spend a lot of time in my room and it's usually quiet enough that I can hear the second hand on the clock ticking. It used to discourage me to hear that sound because I knew that each second I heard sounded off was a second of my life spend sick in bed, and I literally felt like I was wasting away. Now, I love to hear the clock ticking because I know with each tick, I am one second closer to being off dialysis, one second closer to getting well, one second closer to being able to do things again... one second closer to getting my life back. It's going to be a GREAT Thanksgiving this year.
13 more days
Thursday, October 21, 2010
14 more days
I'm actually getting a little excited now. I had time last evening because I couldn't go out to church (we're having revival meetings, don't know if I mentioned that before, but I can't go to any more meetings now) so I was able to have some time to myself and think about this transplant, cry about it, plan a little bit, figure out what I'm going to pack, and stuff like that. This morning as I woke up and started dialysis, realizing that even though I woke up earlier, I'm still going to have to do an exchange every two hours 7 times every day for two weeks... I got excited. Because in 14 days I'm gonna be off dialysis.
I'll be able to get this tube out of my stomach. I'll be able to swim again. I can go back to school. I can get a job and work. I won't be confined to my bed for the better part of the day. I'll feel well enough to call m friends and talk for hours. I'll feel well enough to even go and visit my friends like I used to. I'll be able to go places and do things again. I'll be able to just live again.
That's exciting.
I'll be able to get this tube out of my stomach. I'll be able to swim again. I can go back to school. I can get a job and work. I won't be confined to my bed for the better part of the day. I'll feel well enough to call m friends and talk for hours. I'll feel well enough to even go and visit my friends like I used to. I'll be able to go places and do things again. I'll be able to just live again.
That's exciting.
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