I've hit an identity crisis of my soul. I'm at a crossroads with one path leading me towards compromise, confusion and spiritual enslavement to the things that I know are wrong. The other path leads me towards discipline, control, and freedom to walk in the grace and faith of Christ.
The first on requires very little effort on my part, in fact I hardly have to do anything except give in and let spiritual defilement take it's course. I have to stop thinking, stop fighting, stop trying and just pretty much go with the flow of my feelings. It wouldn't be very hard at all.
The latter path is different. It's going to mean blood, sweat, and tears. It's going to require sacrifice. It's going to mean constant attention to my heart and emotions to keep them aligned to what's right. To walk this path is to say no to myself and yes to God, no matter what the cost may be. It means making war.
There will be a series of these posts over the next coming weeks as I document my battles, victories, failures, lessons learned, war strategies and stuff like that.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Thursday, March 15, 2012
I can't do it.
I can't do anything good on my own. Anything good that you see in my life is from God working in me.
I can't do anything that doesn't come from a selfish motive. Anything I do that is for God is because He helped me take the focus off myself and put it back on Him where it belongs.
I can't be brave in the face of trials. Anytime that you see courage in my life is because I asked God for it and He gave it to me.
I can't be strong when life is hard. Any strength you see in me is from God being strong for me.
I can't be joyful on my own. All my happiness is because God put a new song in my mouth and filled my heart with praise when there was nothing but grumblings and anger.
I can't be disciplined to do the hard things. That's God helping me keep my room clean, to work out, to wake up early, to do my job.
I can't love others when they treat me like dirt. But God can love them through me.
I can't choose to respond to criticism with gratefulness. God can give me a teachable heart and a thankful spirit.
I can't even read my Bible regularly. That's God giving me a desire for His word.
I can't move forward when I'm frozen with fear. God can melt the icy fingers and helps me step forward in faith.
I can't achieve my goals, plan my dreams, or make those big life changing decisions without God giving me the passion and the drive and means to go forward with them.
I can't guard my heart against wrong emotional attachments unless He stands firm in the convictions He gave me.
I've had a rough week. I've made a lot of mistakes, I've given up, I've given in, and I haven't asked God for His help when faced with the little decisions throughout my day. I've complained, I've gotten angry, I've indulged in fleshly habits, I've wasted my time, and I've let myself go. I've lost my vision and passion and purpose for life. I'm a complete mess and I don't know what I'm doing.
It's a comfort to know that I'm a work in progress and that God's okay with my mess. He sees something in this wreck of a person that's going to be beautiful someday. Like the person who can take a beat up piece of furniture from the dumpster and turn it into something fresh, new and beautiful, God is going to do that with me. He's going to take this completely crazy, wild, unpredictable, unstable, rebellious, angry, selfish, scared little girl and turn her into a free spirited, passionate, determined, focused, loving, gentle, bold woman that He can use to accomplish something wonderful and great and exciting. I can't. But God can.
There is one thing I CAN do, though, and I can get out of God's way and let Him take over.
I can't do anything that doesn't come from a selfish motive. Anything I do that is for God is because He helped me take the focus off myself and put it back on Him where it belongs.
I can't be brave in the face of trials. Anytime that you see courage in my life is because I asked God for it and He gave it to me.
I can't be strong when life is hard. Any strength you see in me is from God being strong for me.
I can't be joyful on my own. All my happiness is because God put a new song in my mouth and filled my heart with praise when there was nothing but grumblings and anger.
I can't be disciplined to do the hard things. That's God helping me keep my room clean, to work out, to wake up early, to do my job.
I can't love others when they treat me like dirt. But God can love them through me.
I can't choose to respond to criticism with gratefulness. God can give me a teachable heart and a thankful spirit.
I can't even read my Bible regularly. That's God giving me a desire for His word.
I can't move forward when I'm frozen with fear. God can melt the icy fingers and helps me step forward in faith.
I can't achieve my goals, plan my dreams, or make those big life changing decisions without God giving me the passion and the drive and means to go forward with them.
I can't guard my heart against wrong emotional attachments unless He stands firm in the convictions He gave me.
I've had a rough week. I've made a lot of mistakes, I've given up, I've given in, and I haven't asked God for His help when faced with the little decisions throughout my day. I've complained, I've gotten angry, I've indulged in fleshly habits, I've wasted my time, and I've let myself go. I've lost my vision and passion and purpose for life. I'm a complete mess and I don't know what I'm doing.
It's a comfort to know that I'm a work in progress and that God's okay with my mess. He sees something in this wreck of a person that's going to be beautiful someday. Like the person who can take a beat up piece of furniture from the dumpster and turn it into something fresh, new and beautiful, God is going to do that with me. He's going to take this completely crazy, wild, unpredictable, unstable, rebellious, angry, selfish, scared little girl and turn her into a free spirited, passionate, determined, focused, loving, gentle, bold woman that He can use to accomplish something wonderful and great and exciting. I can't. But God can.
There is one thing I CAN do, though, and I can get out of God's way and let Him take over.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
My 21st Birthday Wisdom
Last night, I had my birthday party that a sweet friend threw for me and I asked for the girls that were older than me to pass on any advice they have so that me and the younger girls there could learn from and I wanted to share them with you here. Mostly so I can write them down and have a place to remember them but also because what these ladies shared with me was just so good that they can apply to anybody at any stage in life.
1. Put God first in everything
Nothing you do will matter if God is not in it. If God is not the first and foremost and central part of your life and any plans that you make than you will fail.
2. Obey what God tells you
This piggy-backs with #1 because when you're keeping God first in everything and obeying what He is telling you to do, than your life will be a success.
4. Learn from other's and your mistakes so you don't repeat them
This one also piggy-backs of #4 because we are human and we do make mistakes. Just recently I compromised myself in a way that could have had severe consequences that God was gracious enough to protect me and to give me a chance to learn why not compromising what you know to be right is so important. Also, learning from other's mistakes helps to make and solidify your convictions so you'll know why you need to avoid going down that wrong path.
5. Don't waste the time you have now to invest
As a young single Christian woman, I have time that I won't always have to invest in my spiritual life, to set regular devotion time, to memorize scripture while my mind is sharp. I also have time to invest in the lives of the girls who are younger than me by giving them a example to look up to, and to help mothers with young children by giving them a break by watching their kids so they can go out to eat with their husbands or just go run errands without dragging 4-5 little ones behind them.
6. Surround yourself with good friends and learn to be a good friend
Watch your reactions to your friends sometimes. A true friend won't always tell you what you want to hear but they will tell you what you NEED to hear. They won't let you wallow in self-pity or complain but they will encourage you in righteousness and be willing to pray with you when things are rough. And that's the kind of friend I need to be to others in my life.
7. Don't let anyone look down on you because you're young
But be an example to the believers in the way you talk, in the way you act, in the way you love, in faith and in purity. This verse (1 Tim 4:12) was given to me by one of the younger girls that I was driving home after the party.
I was humbled, encouraged and challenged by this and if any of my party guests are reading this, please know that you have helped to empower this crazy 21 year old girl that loves lime green, animal prints, purple eyeshadow and orange nail polish, and isn't afraid to wear all of that at once (haha!), to love the Lord more, to put Him first in my life, and to never compromise who He has called me to be.
Thank you for loving me and know that I love all of you very much. :-)
1. Put God first in everything
Nothing you do will matter if God is not in it. If God is not the first and foremost and central part of your life and any plans that you make than you will fail.
2. Obey what God tells you
This piggy-backs with #1 because when you're keeping God first in everything and obeying what He is telling you to do, than your life will be a success.
3. Know yourself and never compromise
I love this. When you know yourself, know who you are in Christ, the world will try to pull you away from that, away from anything that is good. I'm already dealing with a similar situation where I'm asked out to drink regularly, or why I don't smoke, or why I'm still single and have never dated anyone and then when you've given your best answer, you'll be mocked for not being "like everybody else." That's where you have the choice to compromise who God called you to be, or to stand firm in your convictions.
4. Learn from other's and your mistakes so you don't repeat them
This one also piggy-backs of #4 because we are human and we do make mistakes. Just recently I compromised myself in a way that could have had severe consequences that God was gracious enough to protect me and to give me a chance to learn why not compromising what you know to be right is so important. Also, learning from other's mistakes helps to make and solidify your convictions so you'll know why you need to avoid going down that wrong path.
5. Don't waste the time you have now to invest
As a young single Christian woman, I have time that I won't always have to invest in my spiritual life, to set regular devotion time, to memorize scripture while my mind is sharp. I also have time to invest in the lives of the girls who are younger than me by giving them a example to look up to, and to help mothers with young children by giving them a break by watching their kids so they can go out to eat with their husbands or just go run errands without dragging 4-5 little ones behind them.
6. Surround yourself with good friends and learn to be a good friend
Watch your reactions to your friends sometimes. A true friend won't always tell you what you want to hear but they will tell you what you NEED to hear. They won't let you wallow in self-pity or complain but they will encourage you in righteousness and be willing to pray with you when things are rough. And that's the kind of friend I need to be to others in my life.
7. Don't let anyone look down on you because you're young
But be an example to the believers in the way you talk, in the way you act, in the way you love, in faith and in purity. This verse (1 Tim 4:12) was given to me by one of the younger girls that I was driving home after the party.
I was humbled, encouraged and challenged by this and if any of my party guests are reading this, please know that you have helped to empower this crazy 21 year old girl that loves lime green, animal prints, purple eyeshadow and orange nail polish, and isn't afraid to wear all of that at once (haha!), to love the Lord more, to put Him first in my life, and to never compromise who He has called me to be.
Thank you for loving me and know that I love all of you very much. :-)
Sunday, March 4, 2012
My 21st Birthday
I'm turning 21 this Thursday. Less than four days and I'll be considered "legal". No longer a minor. A full-grown adult.
It's strange. 21 seemed so far away just a couple years ago. When I was a young teenager, I always figured I'd be living on my own by now, with a great job, married or at least dating someone, finishing up school, and, of course, having a ton of fun hanging with my friends during my free time.
But here I sit, about to be 21 and I've got a minimum wage job as a waitress at a retirement home (a job that I am VERY grateful for but not the "great job" that I was aspiring towards). I still live at home with my parents. I busted my car and will probably be shelling out about $500 tomorrow to get it fixed. I am as single as you get (which I'm completely OK with but you know how it gets sometimes). I have very little free time (what's that?) and my friends have responsibilities too, which means that we can't just hang out whenever we want to. I'm in a constant battle to keep my bedroom and my car clean. I'm trying to workout regularly, eat healthy and put on some weight which means more time management to fit workouts into my schedule and staying aware as to what I'm putting in my mouth at what times. Oh and then there's sleeping, I never seem to get enough sleep lately.
Not exactly the ideal picture of what I thought the big 21 would look like and that was even leaving out the most important part. God. And that's why my idea is completely different than what my reality is. Because God had other plans.
I would like to include this letter that I wrote to myself. My 18 year old self. Because I would have made a lot better choices if I had been given this letter three years ago, saved myself a lot of regrets, kept myself from a lot of unnecessary pain. So I'm writing it now. So I don't forget what God's done in my life. I still need it just as much now as I did three years ago.
Dear Kristin,
So you're 18 now. You just spent your Birthday in the hospital because of some crazy infection that made you feel like you were going to die but you made it through. You're still alive. And now you're back on your feet again, shaking it off and getting ready to finish high school once and for all.
I know what you're thinking. This is your year to grow up, to finish school and then learn to drive. Then you're going to get a job or go to college. You haven't decided yet but you know that whatever it is, you're gonna give it all you got because that's how you do everything that's important to you.
Just stop for moment though, and really look at your life. You think you know what you want but do you really? Would you just take some time and really think about what it would look like if you got that job or went to school? Are you doing the best you can to take care of yourself and keep yourself healthy?
Listen carefully to what I'm about to say. Remember, I'm you three years from now so I already know what's going to happen. I learned a lot of things that, if you can learn now, might keep you from making the same mistakes that I did. It's not going to change the storm that's coming, but it will help you remember that no matter how much the waves toss you around, you're still anchored to the One who will never let you go.
You have to give up your life to God. You can't hold on to these plans for your life that you think are from God when you really just filled in the blank spots yourself instead of trusting that He knows what He's doing. Because your life is going to shatter if you don't let it go. All your carefully written plans are going to go up in flames if you don't burn them now on the altar before God's feet and surrender your plans to Him.
These next three years are going to change everything about your life. Everything you thought you believed will be challenged. Everything you didn't care about will become important and everything that was important won't matter anymore. You have to be flexible, you have to roll with the punches, you have to accept and embrace the fact that you're not in control. It's hard. But that's the point. Because you can't be molded into perfection without the fire from furnace.
You're a fighter and that's a good thing. You have a purpose that God needs someone with a strong spirit to fulfill. But sometimes you fight the wrong person and that's not a good thing. When you fight against God, you can't win. Do you hear me? You can not win if you fight God. You'll make yourself miserable and your spirit will be broken and useless for anything except for maybe digging yourself deeper into that messy hole you created by your misplaced efforts. Fight for God when the world is calling your name, fight for the truth when all you hear are lies, fight for what's right when everything seems wrong and fight for the light when all you can see is darkness.
I want you to enjoy living your life. Laugh a lot. Don't take your health for granted, take care of yourself and be as healthy as you can. Wear those crazy, bright colors that you love so much and always wear the big, loud flowers and bows in your hair. Don't be like everybody else, be yourself. Keep strengthening those friendships because those girls will end up being as close to you as sisters and you need that support system in your life to encourage you in godliness when things are hard. Tone down the makeup a little, you don't need to paint your face to be beautiful because you are already beautiful. Read your Bible often and apply what it says to your life. Live in a way that you know God would be happy with. God loves you and He will never give up on this work-in-progress that was started the day you believed in Him Fight hard and don't ever give up. Ever.
You'll make it, babe. With His help and the people He's placed in your life, you'll make it.
<3
Me
It's strange. 21 seemed so far away just a couple years ago. When I was a young teenager, I always figured I'd be living on my own by now, with a great job, married or at least dating someone, finishing up school, and, of course, having a ton of fun hanging with my friends during my free time.
But here I sit, about to be 21 and I've got a minimum wage job as a waitress at a retirement home (a job that I am VERY grateful for but not the "great job" that I was aspiring towards). I still live at home with my parents. I busted my car and will probably be shelling out about $500 tomorrow to get it fixed. I am as single as you get (which I'm completely OK with but you know how it gets sometimes). I have very little free time (what's that?) and my friends have responsibilities too, which means that we can't just hang out whenever we want to. I'm in a constant battle to keep my bedroom and my car clean. I'm trying to workout regularly, eat healthy and put on some weight which means more time management to fit workouts into my schedule and staying aware as to what I'm putting in my mouth at what times. Oh and then there's sleeping, I never seem to get enough sleep lately.
Not exactly the ideal picture of what I thought the big 21 would look like and that was even leaving out the most important part. God. And that's why my idea is completely different than what my reality is. Because God had other plans.
I would like to include this letter that I wrote to myself. My 18 year old self. Because I would have made a lot better choices if I had been given this letter three years ago, saved myself a lot of regrets, kept myself from a lot of unnecessary pain. So I'm writing it now. So I don't forget what God's done in my life. I still need it just as much now as I did three years ago.
Dear Kristin,
So you're 18 now. You just spent your Birthday in the hospital because of some crazy infection that made you feel like you were going to die but you made it through. You're still alive. And now you're back on your feet again, shaking it off and getting ready to finish high school once and for all.
I know what you're thinking. This is your year to grow up, to finish school and then learn to drive. Then you're going to get a job or go to college. You haven't decided yet but you know that whatever it is, you're gonna give it all you got because that's how you do everything that's important to you.
Just stop for moment though, and really look at your life. You think you know what you want but do you really? Would you just take some time and really think about what it would look like if you got that job or went to school? Are you doing the best you can to take care of yourself and keep yourself healthy?
Listen carefully to what I'm about to say. Remember, I'm you three years from now so I already know what's going to happen. I learned a lot of things that, if you can learn now, might keep you from making the same mistakes that I did. It's not going to change the storm that's coming, but it will help you remember that no matter how much the waves toss you around, you're still anchored to the One who will never let you go.
You have to give up your life to God. You can't hold on to these plans for your life that you think are from God when you really just filled in the blank spots yourself instead of trusting that He knows what He's doing. Because your life is going to shatter if you don't let it go. All your carefully written plans are going to go up in flames if you don't burn them now on the altar before God's feet and surrender your plans to Him.
These next three years are going to change everything about your life. Everything you thought you believed will be challenged. Everything you didn't care about will become important and everything that was important won't matter anymore. You have to be flexible, you have to roll with the punches, you have to accept and embrace the fact that you're not in control. It's hard. But that's the point. Because you can't be molded into perfection without the fire from furnace.
You're a fighter and that's a good thing. You have a purpose that God needs someone with a strong spirit to fulfill. But sometimes you fight the wrong person and that's not a good thing. When you fight against God, you can't win. Do you hear me? You can not win if you fight God. You'll make yourself miserable and your spirit will be broken and useless for anything except for maybe digging yourself deeper into that messy hole you created by your misplaced efforts. Fight for God when the world is calling your name, fight for the truth when all you hear are lies, fight for what's right when everything seems wrong and fight for the light when all you can see is darkness.
I want you to enjoy living your life. Laugh a lot. Don't take your health for granted, take care of yourself and be as healthy as you can. Wear those crazy, bright colors that you love so much and always wear the big, loud flowers and bows in your hair. Don't be like everybody else, be yourself. Keep strengthening those friendships because those girls will end up being as close to you as sisters and you need that support system in your life to encourage you in godliness when things are hard. Tone down the makeup a little, you don't need to paint your face to be beautiful because you are already beautiful. Read your Bible often and apply what it says to your life. Live in a way that you know God would be happy with. God loves you and He will never give up on this work-in-progress that was started the day you believed in Him Fight hard and don't ever give up. Ever.
You'll make it, babe. With His help and the people He's placed in your life, you'll make it.
<3
Me
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
When God moves
Oh, how my heart is so incredibly full right now. Full of joy, fears, newfound hope, old struggles, excitement, sadness, victories, failures, triumphs, trials, fellowship, rejection, awe, frustrations, healing, hurts....
You name it, I'm feeling it.
I love it and I hate it but I'm glad for it because no matter what thought or emotion is pulsing through me at the moment, I'm feeling it. And I feel alive.
I feel like I've been asleep for the past 20 years of my life and all of a sudden I'm waking up and I'm seeing things for how they really are and I'm feeling things I've never felt before. No, I'm not in love with anyone (I'm still very single and very ok with that) I'm just at a point in my life where everything has changed and I'm starting over.
I don't know how many of you have watched your life shatter into a million pieces before, or watch your carefully crafted plans burn to ashes in front of your eyes, or feel like the rug was pulled out from under your feet and you were left lying there feeling like the air was sucked from your chest but I have.
Just once, but it was exactly what I needed because without that devastating incident in my life that took so much away from me, I never would have become the person that God meant for me to be.
And because of that change that's happened in my life I am thankful for my kidney disease.
You have no idea how hard it is for me to write those words. I never thought I would ever say that I was thankful for the very thing that ruined my life but if my life hadn't been destroyed than I would have missed the life that God had for me instead.
I'm still human though. I still get frustrated over some of the things in my life that are difficult because of my illness and there will always be rejection hanging over my head. That's not fun. I also have some serious emotional issues that I will most likely be spending the rest of my life trying to resolve but that's ok because God's big enough to handle all of our mess and still do something great with us.
I am a work in progress (Philippians 1:6) and life is hard. A lot of things are changing, God is rebuilding, and I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. But I'm ready for it.
And I just wanted to write and tell anyone who is still reading this that when God moves, you better listen. Because something big is happening and I don't want to miss it.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
The wound still bleeds...
Not too long ago, I wrote this post here about how my wounds were healed. There's a picture of my scarred stomach, my battle wounds from the previous year of all the surgeries I had. Those wounds are healed and I can honestly say that I've never felt this healthy in my life. I'm definitely not in the best shape that I could be in, and I'll never be completely healthy (Immuno-suppressant drugs sorta make that impossible) but health-wise, I am doing amazingly well and words can't really express how grateful I am because for a while there I did not think I was ever going to be able to get out of bed again.
Physically, I'm well again. I'm all healed. My transplant kidney, Lefty, is working well and we're getting along great.
I thought I was doing that well emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well but this past week, God showed me that I still have a large, open wound that is still bleeding and still in need of healing.
Emotionally, I'm still shattered. I still shudder when I think of some of the procedures I went through, still cringe a little when I remember the pain. If I think about it hard enough, I'll still cry when I remember the huge disappointments I endured and the broken dreams I had wished so hard would come true.
Mentally, I'm still paralyzed with fear. Fear of getting sick again. Fear of hope, and dreams and plans for the future. Fear of disappointment. Fear of not being able to do it (whatever "it" is, I just want to be able to do it) Fear of trusting God.
Spiritually.... I have no idea. I know I have come along way from those dark days of illness and just wanting to die because I believed I had no future. But I also have a long way to go to get to where I need to be. Or maybe, I'm exactly where I should be. Perhaps God is big enough to handle my questions and my doubt and my fears. But more than likely, "they" are right and I should never question God, only trust and believe. If I just read my Bible more or I just prayed more or I just trusted more, than maybe I would understand more and be more grateful for what happened.
I'm told I have a great testimony of God's goodness and faithfulness and love. I'm told that what happened to me has been a huge blessing to a lot of people and that God answered their prayers. They tell me I encouraged them by the way I responded to this trial in my life.
But I wonder if they know how dark my thoughts went during that time? I wonder if they know how much I cursed God out because I was so angry at Him for what was happening? Do they know that I still struggle to this day with some of that same bitterness and anger that I had during that time? Do they know that I still look at that year as the worst year of my life and I feel such a deep sadness when I think about what could have been had I not gotten sick?
I felt like I watched the story of my life, a thick book full of 19 years worth of life experiences, goals, dreams, plans, a purpose and a passion for something great, thrown into a fire and burned to a crisp. And that burning was a painfully slow, agonizing burn that lasted for a year before there was nothing left but a pile of gray ashes.
I guess you could say that I moved on. I've picked myself back up and I started working, started saving, started trying to live a life of some sort. But I found myself looking at that pile of ash and wondering if there was anything worth saving. Anything worth going back for.
Maybe some day I'll be brave enough to look for the answers that I want.
Physically, I'm well again. I'm all healed. My transplant kidney, Lefty, is working well and we're getting along great.
I thought I was doing that well emotionally, mentally and spiritually as well but this past week, God showed me that I still have a large, open wound that is still bleeding and still in need of healing.
Emotionally, I'm still shattered. I still shudder when I think of some of the procedures I went through, still cringe a little when I remember the pain. If I think about it hard enough, I'll still cry when I remember the huge disappointments I endured and the broken dreams I had wished so hard would come true.
Mentally, I'm still paralyzed with fear. Fear of getting sick again. Fear of hope, and dreams and plans for the future. Fear of disappointment. Fear of not being able to do it (whatever "it" is, I just want to be able to do it) Fear of trusting God.
Spiritually.... I have no idea. I know I have come along way from those dark days of illness and just wanting to die because I believed I had no future. But I also have a long way to go to get to where I need to be. Or maybe, I'm exactly where I should be. Perhaps God is big enough to handle my questions and my doubt and my fears. But more than likely, "they" are right and I should never question God, only trust and believe. If I just read my Bible more or I just prayed more or I just trusted more, than maybe I would understand more and be more grateful for what happened.
I'm told I have a great testimony of God's goodness and faithfulness and love. I'm told that what happened to me has been a huge blessing to a lot of people and that God answered their prayers. They tell me I encouraged them by the way I responded to this trial in my life.
But I wonder if they know how dark my thoughts went during that time? I wonder if they know how much I cursed God out because I was so angry at Him for what was happening? Do they know that I still struggle to this day with some of that same bitterness and anger that I had during that time? Do they know that I still look at that year as the worst year of my life and I feel such a deep sadness when I think about what could have been had I not gotten sick?
I felt like I watched the story of my life, a thick book full of 19 years worth of life experiences, goals, dreams, plans, a purpose and a passion for something great, thrown into a fire and burned to a crisp. And that burning was a painfully slow, agonizing burn that lasted for a year before there was nothing left but a pile of gray ashes.
I guess you could say that I moved on. I've picked myself back up and I started working, started saving, started trying to live a life of some sort. But I found myself looking at that pile of ash and wondering if there was anything worth saving. Anything worth going back for.
Maybe some day I'll be brave enough to look for the answers that I want.
Monday, January 2, 2012
It's a brand new year
I don't know why the new year just tends to make me nostalgic and reflective and motivated but it does. Something about the fact that it's new and you feel like you have the chance to make a fresh new start and have a better year than the one before.
2010 was the worst year of my life. So many disappointments, so much heartbreak, so much pain on all levels. 2011 was definitely an improvement. I completely recovered physically from a kidney transplant about six months into the year, I got a car (and learned to drive it), and started my first job as a waitress working full time.
Still some disappointments, still some pain (recovery is always difficult) but there were a lot of victories and some triumphs. I wanted to write briefly about some things I've learned this year, some I've just learned in the last two months because of my job, and others have just been learned because of the experiences I had this year. There's no order or rhyme or reason to the list I have here, it's just a random listing of lessons learned that I want written down so I'll remember and maybe they'll be beneficial to you as well. :-)
• You can't put any time limit of recovery, everyone will recover at the own pace. But it does help to have good friends and family to help push you (gently) back into life again.
• When I get old, I want to remember to be kind and enjoy life wherever I'm at. To smile and make people enjoy being around me. Those are my favorite residents at the retirement home where I work and the fact is, I can be that person now so I'll be that person 40-50-60 years from now.
• Rest is important. It's not being lazy, it's being healthy to take time out to do things for yourself. Take care of yourself, go to bed on time and wake up on time, exercise, eat right and be good to your body and soul. You can't take care of others if you aren't taking care of yourself.
• Smile. And laugh. It's surprisingly contagious and it's a super easy way to brighten someone's day.
• When you don't act like the world (i.e. you don't cuss, you don't smoke or drink, you don't sleep around just for the fun of it, you don't tell dirty jokes, etc.) you get two responses: Ridicule and respect. Sometimes both at the same time. The ridicule is hard to put up with, the respect is nice, getting both from the same person is confusing because you never know exactly where you stand with them. But knowing that you're making the better choice is a reward in itself.
• People are looking up to you and are learning from you whether you like it or not. It's humbling to be able to invest in someone's life and to set a good example for them.
• Be a grown-up when you have to. Be a kid the rest of the time. But always be responsible.
• Enjoy the little things in life. Stop to smell the roses (literally). Enjoy how pretty blue skies and green grass looks when you're driving to work. Lay on your back and look at the stars. Watch a fire burn in the woodstove. Take a closer look at the fly that's landed on your arm. Buy a crazy green wig (or pink or blue) and wear it. Really taste and savor that cake you're eating.
• Stay in touch with good friends. The kind of friends that you can call anytime, even in the middle of the night, and you know they'll be there for you. The kind of friends that will encourage you and give you the motivation you need to push through those difficult moments in life. The kind of friends you can tell anything to.
• Complements can make people's day. Tell someone that you like their shirt, or that their hair looks good, that they are good at the job. Appreciate what people do and tell them. Use your words in a powerful, positive way.
• God is everything. He is the most important priority, He is enough, He is it. Nothing matters without Him. If God isn't in your life then you will fail. If He's not in the standards you're holding, then it's not worth it. Love God and put Him first.
Here's to 2012.
2010 was the worst year of my life. So many disappointments, so much heartbreak, so much pain on all levels. 2011 was definitely an improvement. I completely recovered physically from a kidney transplant about six months into the year, I got a car (and learned to drive it), and started my first job as a waitress working full time.
Still some disappointments, still some pain (recovery is always difficult) but there were a lot of victories and some triumphs. I wanted to write briefly about some things I've learned this year, some I've just learned in the last two months because of my job, and others have just been learned because of the experiences I had this year. There's no order or rhyme or reason to the list I have here, it's just a random listing of lessons learned that I want written down so I'll remember and maybe they'll be beneficial to you as well. :-)
• You can't put any time limit of recovery, everyone will recover at the own pace. But it does help to have good friends and family to help push you (gently) back into life again.
• When I get old, I want to remember to be kind and enjoy life wherever I'm at. To smile and make people enjoy being around me. Those are my favorite residents at the retirement home where I work and the fact is, I can be that person now so I'll be that person 40-50-60 years from now.
• Rest is important. It's not being lazy, it's being healthy to take time out to do things for yourself. Take care of yourself, go to bed on time and wake up on time, exercise, eat right and be good to your body and soul. You can't take care of others if you aren't taking care of yourself.
• Smile. And laugh. It's surprisingly contagious and it's a super easy way to brighten someone's day.
• When you don't act like the world (i.e. you don't cuss, you don't smoke or drink, you don't sleep around just for the fun of it, you don't tell dirty jokes, etc.) you get two responses: Ridicule and respect. Sometimes both at the same time. The ridicule is hard to put up with, the respect is nice, getting both from the same person is confusing because you never know exactly where you stand with them. But knowing that you're making the better choice is a reward in itself.
• People are looking up to you and are learning from you whether you like it or not. It's humbling to be able to invest in someone's life and to set a good example for them.
• Be a grown-up when you have to. Be a kid the rest of the time. But always be responsible.
• Enjoy the little things in life. Stop to smell the roses (literally). Enjoy how pretty blue skies and green grass looks when you're driving to work. Lay on your back and look at the stars. Watch a fire burn in the woodstove. Take a closer look at the fly that's landed on your arm. Buy a crazy green wig (or pink or blue) and wear it. Really taste and savor that cake you're eating.
• Stay in touch with good friends. The kind of friends that you can call anytime, even in the middle of the night, and you know they'll be there for you. The kind of friends that will encourage you and give you the motivation you need to push through those difficult moments in life. The kind of friends you can tell anything to.
• Complements can make people's day. Tell someone that you like their shirt, or that their hair looks good, that they are good at the job. Appreciate what people do and tell them. Use your words in a powerful, positive way.
• God is everything. He is the most important priority, He is enough, He is it. Nothing matters without Him. If God isn't in your life then you will fail. If He's not in the standards you're holding, then it's not worth it. Love God and put Him first.
Here's to 2012.
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